Relationships

Ahhh what a topic! I first want to start off by saying as you have probably noticed my writing is free. I just go, it’s the only way I know how. It’s what works for me. My writing may not make sense, you may not relate but as my bio describes this is really for me, not for you. I believe in myself and what empowers me. Writing, feeling, healing and releasing is what brings me joy. This is makes me feel whole. So here is what I have to say about relationships. Here are my thoughts as I’ve moved through the hardest and best year of my life.

There’s a lot to say about this topic, relationships. I'm not sure where to start but since they are pretty much all of life, I suppose I can start anywhere. To me relationships are everything. They give me life, vitality and breath….And let me be clear when I speak of relationships, I speak of all types... Every single person you come in contact with is a form of a relationship. And the most important part of a relationship is willingness to communicate. Lack of efficient communication is usually followed by prolonged struggle and pain….coming up underneath the surface when you least expect it. If you don’t deal with your stuff, it WILL deal with you eventually. And that is kind of what happened to me this year. Being able to communicate what you want and need first starts with truly knowing what you want and desire for yourself. This part I think can be a struggle. How do you know without experience to teach you who you are and what you love? So I believe, I’m continuously experiencing myself. I’m on a journey not to find myself but to be in true deep alignment with who I already am. I believe I’m pretty awesome, but it's easy to get away from our true nature, our higher self, ya know?

It's seriously so hard sometimes to be yourself and to remember who you are, who you want to be. I truly believe that being yourself will be the hardest thing you ever do. I also believe with all my heart that it's worth it. All of it. The blood sweat and tears, it's part of me. And if I truly love me, then I accept all of it. I think a lot of humans say they are being themselves but there's so many little small moments when we deter from what our soul really says deep down. I think it's hard to hear what our soul is saying sometimes. We have to get real clear and and real intentional about what we want, and what we desire. What drives us. We have learned to ignore our soul speaking. They are almost unnoticeable, the small moments but compounded over time, suddenly we realized we are a bit lost off our path. I suppose this in a way, is the exact reason we are always changing and our identities are never fixed completely. Maybe this is truly the way the universe intended it to be. Regardless I know that I want to do things alone, so I can hear the quiet. I can be in the quiet so I can be open and available to what the universe is saying to me. I can be with myself....So I can be myself. 

It's a really hard thing to do, to face yourself. To look within and sit still.  But it may be the healthiest thing to do for yourself.  And here I am on that exact journey.  There's so much distraction and as humans I think it's so easy to use people, places and things to get away from ourselves and cover up what really brings us joy, OR prevent us from figuring out what works best in our life TO bring us joy. 

I feel I’ve really been called to be my own best friend, again. I feel strongly that my true purpose right now is to strengthen the relationship I have with myself. Nothing is permanent, we are always changing so therefore so are my relationships with people. People and connection is life for me. I crave it and I do believe it fuels me in a positive manner. I also really believe that one can only have fulfilling connections with people when you face yourself...dead on, no flinching, no hesitation. All masks gone, here I am. And this is what I’m looking for. I’ve actually been on this path countless times, but as I mentioned we are always changing, so sometimes we need something different, a deeper look, a different look. There are so many different types of relationships and each one counts. Each one tends to have a purpose. Starting with the most crucial one, yourself. So finding your purpose, what lights you up inside, what makes you feel powerful is vital. Relationships are so hard, to really have good relationships in your life... start with how well you treat yourself. 

On Dec. 2nd Eddie and I would have been together for 8 years. What a wild ride this year has been for both of us. For many of my friends and family you have witnessed so much of our love and lives over the past several years.  It only seemed right to write about it. And what you witnessed was actually our love. It was love and it was strong and magical. Eddie is probably one of the most wonderful, smartest interesting and thought provoking people I’ve met. Eddie is real. Eddie is kind. Eddie is sensitive. Eddie is strong. Eddie embodies love and spirituality. Eddie is cool as hell and if you don’t know Eddie you’re missing out. The reason I fell for Eddie was because of his ability to connect with himself,  know himself and connect with me emotionally.  Eddie is a deep, very smart person, talented in ways that unless you know him you wouldn't recognize. Our connection was spiritual in nature. We were on a very similar journey at the time, taking what may have been the first big step into creating a life for ourselves that was truly ours, that spoke to who we were and where we wanted to go. We were individually emerging in our lives, doing what we wanted... career, school, personal & spiritual soul searching. It felt amazing to find someone that was on that path. We were both on this journey of self discovery. Learning who we were as humans at that time and stepping into a new phase of our lives. We had so much in common when we first met, yet there was still so much more to explore. Our first "date" was at a Buddhist temple.  For many many years we explored so much. I learned how to be a little bit more of myself, to work through struggle together. I got to share my interests with him...He grew his hair long, and I cut mine all off. We experienced a lot of living. We really were able to have a lot of fun together. We went to shows, California, Vermont, took photos, explored and really got to show each other who we were on the inside. We witnessed each others move into our careers. I became a successful realtor and Eddie finished school and became an x-ray tech. (Even though he secretly wanted to write a book or become a teacher/healer) 

Then what I believe started to happen was we stopped showing up for ourselves and didn’t see ourselves evolving, we didn’t continue to feed our souls they way they needed to be fed. We didn’t recognize that we were changing and we needed to reinvent ourselves. My deep belief is because we both became a little detached from who we were becoming, we couldn’t quite grasp or see what we needed. So there was no way we were going to be able to find that together or help the other find it. I’d say we both got a bit lost in the evolution of self. 

I remember when the magic started to fade, getting through that made us stronger and created more intimacy and I remember feeling that for the first time and it felt so great to actually get closer through our struggles. I’m not going to go into further details of our relationship but it was magical for many years, even the hard times were magical in there own right. I wouldn’t change it ...because it has led us to exactly where we are today. Our space. Our paths. Our truths. 

But like the wind...We changed, we came into yet another phase of ourselves and it was time to honor that change not together but on our own path, because I truly believe that in order for me to grow I had to walk alone. I needed to develop a better mountain mind, I had to take some time on a solo journey. I believe that for both of us this was really what we needed to grow into the people we so desperately wanted to be. To grow into our higher self, to live authentically, honestly and openly. We are apart but still our connection is close, possibly closer than it ever was before in a way. We may not be connected like we were but we still have a spiritual connection and are still friends to this day. Eddie and I were together for 7 years. We had probably the best 4 years of our lives. Exciting, fun spiritually and emotionally connected, and then what seemed like in the blink of an eye-almost strangers. We stopped communicating, we stopped nurturing ourselves and we lost what was once the exact reason we got together in the first place: connection. I believe with my whole heart that if we both were in a place in our lives where our platform was strong, where we had that inner strength, that deep self love and awareness, we would have put in the work...But we didn’t, because we didn’t have individually what it took, otherwise we would have. We didn't have it and that is PRECIOUSLY why it made sense to me that we need to find it...Not together but on our own, because if we had what it took, then we would have made it work. I’m looking to build myself up to a place where I have what it takes, not just for someone else but for myself. 

7 years ago we were BOTH so different. Back then I don’t think I really knew what I wanted as clear as I do now, and if I did it’s changed. I think for me it’s always been about being myself and being free to explore the people, places and experiences that make me feel alive. Having the freedom to do whatever I want but be grounded in that person. 7 years ago I was not grounded in what I wanted. I was still formulating it. On some level now it feels like a deeper sense of identity has found me. In some sense it’s confusing as I kind of believe putting the word identity on ourselves is limiting…….however we do have some sort of identity I suppose even though it changes over time. 

It’s funny how you can be so connected with someone in different ways than the next person and all are beautiful and loving. This is why I don't believe in limiting yourself to one type of relationship or person even makes sense. 

I want to learn to love without attachment. 

Learning to love, such a process. To love freely and not have expectations I believe can only be done if you have a really good mental and emotional state of mind and can really accept and love yourself. I also believe that you need to practice love. Without practice how would you develop the skill? I believe that love is not one, it’s many and it evolves how much or how little you want it to. I’m not even sure about falling in love. Or being in love. I think that is easy but to practice love is what I want, within and then externally to whomever can match my energy. I think that we as humans we just love, if we can give ourselves love, then we can love externally more fully. 

When I met Eddie we said we were going to be together forever and for most of our relationship I think we both thought we were. But see here we are, not. So why attach to the outcome of a relationship? Why not just love. Today. Now. Within. Externally. Universally. 

This blog was really not specifically meant to be about my relationship with Eddie but it’s impossible not to speak of it when it comes to what I’ve learned about myself through the relationship and through the end of it. Most of all what I’ve learned is to believe in myself and that requires 100% honestly with myself. I needed to shed some layers, focus on myself, nurture myself, come back to myself and most importantly grow myself. I really honor my past relationship which is why I think its important to acknowledge it. I honor how we handled it, the end...it allowed us to both start completely new beginnings and for this I will be forever grateful. I feel blessed we were able to find a way to be apart but grow in the process. I think the end of our relationship was the realest I've been in a long time and I really want to be that authentic all the time. Authentic is different than honesty, you can be honest but not truly authentic. And that's the growth I’m looking to have on this journey. All the other stuff grows on it’s own from there. 

I think for a long time my idea of love and relationships was not in alignment with what I really wanted. I also believe that you do not get to know what you really want unless you experience life, people, places and things. The best way to learn about yourself I've found is to go out into the universe and experience life. Go do things. Try new things, meet new people and put yourself out there. It can be scary but the benefits far out way the fear. I don't think my fear is connected to the act of doing something it's connected the fear of resistance. I don’t think over the past few years I created a space for myself to decide what I wanted, I just kind of went with the flow of life. My free spirit and go with the flow vibe is a powerful part of me but not always the best tool for defining, refining, creating, and making decisions. So I took a step, a leap of faith. Planted my feet firmly on the ground and said this is what I want. I know it’s what I need to grow without question. All is necessary for growth. It's been a wild ride and I look forward to all that's to come. Not just for me but for Eddie as well, as I know our futures are bright.

The photos below were taken before we parted ways and are a perfect display of how the end of our relationship looked. We did not plan this by the way. See neither Eddie or I, in the end had ill feeling toward one another. We both realized there was SO much beauty in our relationship how on earth could we not move on and still honor that. How could we not see nothing was wasted, the time was not wasted not one bit. I have to say, I'm so lucky to have had this kind of experience after such a long relationship. It speaks to Eddie's character tremendously, and that makes me so happy. Nothing is lost when you are love. Be love. What that means is honor the love that you have to give by loving yourself. See and feel love in all you do. When you do that you can't be resentful, you cant be fearful, you just are. You are yourself, you are love.

P.S. I learned a lot of this from Eddie. Thank you Eddie. Thank you for allowing me to be me, by making a decision that supports the person I want to be. That is my definition of love.